The consequence of my actions

I’m scared. I don’t know what to do or think. Recently I have been suspended from my job because I made the terrible decision to take money from my drawer while I worked. I’m a cashier. I know it was wrong and I regret it terribly. In those moments I felt I needed to because right now money is so tight with us just having moved into a bigger place to make sure my daughter has her own room finally which costs A LOT more. On top of that we still have our normal bills and before we moved we made plenty of money to make sure my baby girl has her pullups and to have plenty to eat but now we might make enough for these things but needless to say it’s just been a tough transition. I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell my boyfriend. I’m not sure if I should be looking for another job. Each day I’m eager to hear from my current job on whether or not I am going to be given a second chance. I paid them back in full right away even though I was allowed to make payments to them. In doing so I’m no longer able to pay my insurance now. I also need to pay my internet bill which I have to hold off on until in able to figure out how to get the money for my insurance. Whoever may come upon this and read, I know that you may be thinking it’s still no reason to have taken the money and I shouldn’t have done it in the first place because then I wouldn’t even be in this situation…. You’re right. This job had been the best job I’ve had that pays well enough for me to help with the bills. I’ve screwed it all up and I’m paying the consequences. 

Miss

You know what I miss? I miss jus being able to go shopping with my family out of the blue. I miss going to the ymca when I was younger and hanging out in the teen room. I miss going swimming nearly every day. No that I don’t live near enough to my family that we can see each other every day, it kind of sucks. I would love to be financially stable enough to be able to come see them once a week or every other week at least because that’s just how close my family is. We are always doing something together…or at least we were. Now everyone else is hanging out together like usual while I am here stuck with nothing to do. Don’t get me wrong, I have my daughter and my boyfriend. I love them more than anything and we love being together. It’s just that I don’t have any friends here, and finding a decent job has been hard for me. At least with a job, I would be able to find some friends among my colleagues. I guess me not finding friends here is a good thing though because within 2 years or so my boyfriend wants us to move to san Antonio where he can continue working with the company he is with now. Family will always be there, but friends are hard to keep around if you keep disappearing.

A Love Lost and Found

I got back into reading recently. As a mom, it can be hard to find time to just relax. Even watching tv doesn’t do the trick. So I decided to start reading like I used to. I have noticed a major difference in the way I feel now that I make time to relax with a good book. This is random for me to be talking about my love for books, but I feel like this blog is for me to do just that. Not for me to talk about my love for books, but for me to talk about anything random in my life so maybe I might connect with someone or even make a difference in a small way. As I continue to share m experiences and weekly happenings, I will, as well as any follower I may gain, will grow. I know that on almost every one of my posts I have gotten off topic, but that’s just how I work. Once something pops into my mind I type it out.Perhaps that is the best way to get things off m chest and just feel more at peace so that I can be happier and more content with myself and my life. Whatever it may be, reading s apart of that too.

the beginning

I can’t believe that somehow, some way, I got my first follower! I honestly made this blog because although  I am only 19, I’ve been through some stressful stuff and it’s just been a long time coming. I mean, don’t people usually decide to start a blog to vent and just escape from their fucked up reality ? In any case, that’s precisely why I decided to start mine.

Being a young mom, trying to do school with almost no family to assist in taking care of my baby girl so I can focus or attend actual classes because I moved far enough away from them that it’s a hassle for anyone to help, beginning to drown in debt, and just trying to provide for my little family so that we aren’t just ok, but well off…. It can be a lot at times. This is especially true when you can’t find a job because no one wants someone who isn’t qualified because they didn’t go to school.

That is something that pisses me off more than anything. You get out of high school and you presumably go to college to get a degree because no one wants someone who doesn’t have a schooling background. You graduate and you’re excited to get out there and begin a job in the field you studied for. That’s where the problem is. You may be guaranteed an internship when you graduate, but nine times out of 10 that internship is not going to pay you. Then you have to get another part time job to at least start paying back on the student loans. At this point you deferred your payments and you are still in debt while stressing about the fact that you have multiple jobs to try and stay out of debt.

For a lot of people it is really hard to pay back school loans because life happens. You meet someone. You have a kid. Whatever it may be. So it’s like basically you’re forced to go to college then told that you shouldn’t have gone to college if you couldn’t afford it when the truth of the matter is, unless you’re stupid rich for some reason it’s too much for anyone to go to school. I just don’t understand why, if a job is hiring for entry level positions, is it so hard to get in. Why do you need some form of college education to help with tasks that you could’ve easily learned by listening to your parents when they needed help with something. Some jobs literally are for people to answer phones and use a computer, but for some unknown reason employers want you to have that college background…What is that supposed to prove?? I swear I ramble on and on and never get to a point… Maybe that will be my goal with these blogs. Maybe I’ll find my voice and finally get to the point.

How Long

I wonder how long. How long will it be before I don’t cry whenever I see a newborn on a show or movie I’m watching. How long before I stop thinking about the possibilities there were and no longer are. How long before I stop blaming myself for something that happens to women all the time. The pain is empty and all consuming. I would do anything to not have conceived my child in my tubes and have instead conceived my child safely where he or she belonged in my uterus. Anything to have the chance to meet and raise my child rather than having to get a surgery to end its suffering as well as my own.

Adulting

Don’t get me wrong. I love my freedom. I love living in my own place. I love having my own rules and way of living in general. The only thing that likes to kill my vibe is bills. Bills. Bills. Bills. Starting out with a minimum wage job is no help either. I mean it wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have those pesky school loans to pay back. Or even the medical bills that welfare for some reason didn’t take care of. I mean I used to hate it when my mom yelled at my brother and I for leaving our tv on all night or for having the heat up so high. Electric can be expensive when it’s not just you and maybe one other person. Paying to support a whole household, or two in my case, is stressful.

Inspired

I am inspired not only in this moment, but for the future as well. It was once so distant, but now so close and vivid. What my life will be and the path I will take, not only am I going to become who I want, I will do what I thought would not be done.

I will achieve my goals, my hopes and desires. I will run in the race that is life until I cannot. My dream to be the best mother I can be will end in my succeeding as I will watch my daughter grow up in the house I never had. And I will raise her to know that being broke isn’t so bad, but you should always strive for what you deserve because sometimes happiness does come from what you have. Sometimes it’s okay to be a little materialistic because you earned it, why not enjoy it.

But you should also know this, you should always be kind because you never know the struggle another man finds. Give whenever you can and love with all you’ve got and if there’s nothing else to get from this just remember; I will become something greater, and I will remain a dreamer. There is no greater thing in life than to know there is always a possibility and you can always know you’re own form of greatness.

Made

She is an inspiration to the poetic mind and soul. I am in love with her work.

girl in the hat

image courtesy Kathie McMillan image courtesy Kathie McMillan

I was 11 when the boys clustered around me at lunch, calling names:
skank, hoser, slut, scumbag, stupid butt-ugg bitch.
I don’t recall why they hated me, only their sneering baby faces
and those skinny chests puffed up with imaginary muscles.

We knew we’d probably be raped sooner or later, my friends and I all knew.
The knowing was something we carried tucked between our legs like a blade.
If one of us forgot and let her guard down, we’d get angry:
How could you let that happen, we’d wonder. How could you forget?

So I planned it carefully. A nice boy on a hillside overlooking the city.
Broad daylight sufficed since I wanted to do it in the open, natural, like any other animal.
I didn’t know how, after deed was done, he’d spring to his feet like a fighter
evading the count and sprint…

View original post 632 more words

A Home Crowded and Filled with Stress

As if it isn’t already bad enough that we live in a one bedroom with our daughter, we live in a one bedroom with my boyfriend’s entire family (mom and two brothers).  At first it wasn’t so bad. I welcomed them with open arms because although it was a slight inconvenience, I understood why they need a place to go. First it was his oldest brother. He had been living with his girlfriend. He needed a place to stay during the week so he could make sure he had a way to get to work because he had lost his car de to unfortunate circumstances. Then, not too long after he moved in, so did his mom with his second oldest brother. His mom had been going to school while working her fulltime job. She began to think it was too much to do both fulltime one right after the other. Luckily, she was able to get her work schedule to still be 40 hours a week, but she only needed to work 3 days. This was perfect because she did schooling during the week and on the weekends she worked so nothing overlapped. Apparently, regardless of the luxury opportunity she had, she hated her job so she found a new one. She went to the new job for a little while before deciding she didn’t like that one either. Then she went to another one and hated it after the first day. She quit without having another job lined up and pretty soon she had no way to pay her bills. Although I didn’t agree with the fact that she just quit her job with no backup I was understanding and pushed my boyfriend to let them live with us. That was a mistake.

For awhile, until just recently, we would run out food way too quickly because even though they had food stamps for themselves, they bought foods that would not last because they refuse to cook. This led to them dipping into our foods which then ran out faster. Honestly, I don’t even care all that much about the food. To be honest, what bugs me is his mom. Don’t get me wrong, his mother is a great person, but for some reason she doesn’t seem to understand that she is under our roof, living by our rules. When it comes to her clothes, she is picky about having things hung up, so the space I was using to hang my clothes I gave up to be courteous to her. For her sleeping arrangement she got the couch seeing as she is his mother and there are no other beds. The problem with this however is that she things she owns the couch. She literally folds her blanket so that it sits on one whole half of the couch and complains when anyone goes onto “her” side. The other day my mom was coming by to pick up our daughter so I had unlocked the door so she could just walk in when she got here. His mom was in her lounge wear and didn’t want my mom to see her like that so she locked the door to which I then unlocked again. She had the nerve to yell at me and tell me to lock the door as if she paid rent here. Of course this led to a little argument over the fact that she could easily cover up with her blanket if that was an issue and that it was me and her son’s home and if I want my mom to be able to walk in because I happened to not feel well that day and didn’t want to keep getting up at the time, I was going to let her. I mean, just today she had the audacity to text her son who was at work about me who is right in the next room from her that I turned off the heat so they would be cold when I never even touched the stupid thing. If anything, I still have a heart. I would want them to be warm, and I actually made sure the heater was on the last time I touched it. I’m telling ou, I am getting to my limit with the disrespect. My boyfriend thinks me and his mom are just being stupid, but I’m pissed. If she would be an adlt and come to me when she has an issue or concern considering we’re at home all day together until she starts working, we would be fine. But no. She goes through the trouble of contacting him while he’s working everyday to complain to him about me. Seriously???

I’m sorry, but I really don’t know how much more of this I can take. I really hope we find the two bedroom apartment we want fast because we already told them, when we move, everyone is gone. We need our space back. I’m putting this out there for people to read because I want to know if I might be over-reacting or if I’m justified in my response.

Gone but Never Forgotten

I guess I should be thankful that I don’t have a job right now. It’s already stressful as it is trying to stay strong and not show my frustrations and sadness in front of my baby girl. It would be much harder to stay happy if I had to put on a brave face all day because I had a job to worry about. That’s why I am the most thankful for the man I have in my life. If it weren’t for him, I’m not sure how I would be coping right now. Just last night, everything was fine, but I was upset. I couldn’t help thinking about the fact that our chances of holding another little baby soon were gone as we watched the office when Pam had gone on her maternity leave. I couldn’t but to think of the name we had already chosen because although this wasn’t the best timing for another child, we were excited.

I suppose you might be wondering what name we picked out. Well, he had a strong feeling that we were going to have a boy, so I began looking up boy names that went well with his last name. Finally, we had found the one. Chandler. He loved it. And I love it too considering the baby could’ve turned out to be a girl and the name was great for both genders. Knowing that we already had a name for our baby to be, it kills be when I think of it. Our baby didn’t have its body parts yet. It was just a blob of cells forming still. But that was our baby.

Going through all this is tough, but I am thankful for the fact that even though our baby was just a group of cells, there is still a form of a memorial for our loss. It’s amazing knowing that we are not alone in this tragedy.